Emotions are Illusions: a Drunken Rambling
by Rune-Spirit
Summary: oneshot. Sakura and Ino are drunk and it's up to their senseis to take them home. No real pairings, but fatherly Kakashi x Sakura and Asuma x Ino, and SasuxSaku if you turn your head upside down and squint.


RS: This was a writing exercise for myself: see how quickly I can write a one-shot with no real plot but actually has something happen. It's not edited, but I decided to post it on a whim. And to waste time while I try to figure out how to put the finishing touches on chapter 2 of Finalement's challenge… anyway, don't judge too harshly. I haven't read over it since I wrote it, so I have no idea how poor it is. Also, the companionship of Kakashi with Sakura and Asuma with Ino is purely _FATHERLY_. They have that sort of loving relationship between them. I guess if you want you can see it as fluff, but that's not how I wrote it.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto… unless someone wants to get me a _really_ nice birthday present? hinthint

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**Emotions are Illusions: a Drunken Rambling**

As the group of ninjas ran down streets and back alleys, they listened intently to what the waitress leading them was saying. They finally stopped on the outskirts of Konoha, in a sleazy development where guys in heavy trench coats lurked within the shadows.

Kakashi and Asuma had been sharing a training field and working with their male students when she had shown up, panting from exertion. She was doubled over with hands on her knees, gasping out words between breaths. All the group could make out was that their two most precious females were in trouble, but that was enough. Without another minute, they demanded that the woman take them to Sakura and Ino.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't know who else to call. They mentioned that you were their sensei so I just thought…" the girl was somewhat near hysterics.

Kakashi put up his hand, "It's alright. Where are they?"

"Follow me." She waved them into a dark looking bar beside the park.

"You four stay out here, and _don't move_." Asuma ordered gruffly, and the two Jounin entered the shady establishment.

"Tch, troublesome." muttered Shikamaru in an attempt to hide his worry. It didn't work, everyone saw through it. But everyone felt the same way, though Sasuke tried to look as impassive as ever. None of them liked the idea of their only female teammate being in such an uncouth area.

The girls were at the far end of the bar, shaking in their own amusement. A couple of sketchy-looking guys were moving closer, a couple even daring to place a hand on the females. The pair Shinobi saw red. _Nobody_ had the right to touch _their_ little girls like that. Within seconds the group was blown out of the way and the Kunoichi hoisted over their sensei's shoulders.

"Asuma-sensei, what a surPRISE!" Ino threw her arms out enthusiastically at the end of her sentence.

"Kakashi-sensei, what're you doing her?" questioned Sakura, craning her neck to look behind her at the back of his head.

"You're drunk, Sakura." He stated reprimandingly in a dead serious voice, staring straight ahead. She fell forward giggling. They'd exited the building and met back up with the four Genin, who gazed discontentedly at the sight before them: their female (presumably weaker) teammates intoxicated to a drunken stupor and thrown over their teachers' shoulders, butts in the air.

"Get moving." The copy ninja ordered to the boys, motioning for them to move forward in front of their sensei with one hand. The girls, whom were in their own little world, failed to notice the presence of anyone else around them and continued to spill all sorts of things to the older men.

"God, what were you girls thinking." Asuma wondered out loud, wishing he had another free hand to reach down and light a new cigarette.

"Dunno," Ino shrugged, "usually we don't get this drunk. But tonight, we felt FUCKED!" her excited explanation shocked team ten. They'd never heard her curse before, and it was oddly disconcerting.

"Usually?" wondered Kakashi angrily, "You do this _often_?"

The blond nodded enthusiastically, "All the time! Sakura-chan can reeeeaaaaally hold her lick-iquor. I've seen her take six shots in a row without getting diiiiizzy. I'm good, but she's better!"

"Why the hell would you be focusing this instead of something constructive, like training?" demanded the brunette teacher.

She cocked her head, "Bu' you don' train with us?"

"Of course we do!" Kakashi exclaimed.

Sakura shook her head, "Nuh-uh, the boys train and I heal." The statement sounded oddly proud, almost. It struck a cord in their teachers' hearts to know it was true, to know that it was their male students who got their complete attention and not the girls.

"And _I_ watch you guys and encouragage!" stated Ino.

Asuma quirked a brow, "Encourage?" the girl giggled.

"Well how're you gonna get any better without some burnunning a fire under your ass? I don't shut-up until you do something RIGHT!" another flamboyant end to a sentence.

"Well," suggested the copy ninja, "perhaps instead of that you should be attempting to _participate_, or at least train on your own."

"Besides," Asuma added unimpressed, "'encourage' is just code for 'think about Sasuke Uchiha.'"

The girls exploded into fits of giggles, "True, true." Sakura nodded.

"Always focusing on him." The other Jounin sighed.

"H-hey, you, you-" she interrupted herself with a laugh, "you wanna hear something reeeaaaally funny? At first, I dint even like Sasuke!" more laughter, "That was just an ex-sce-scuse to get Ino mad, and booooy did it work!" The girls erupted into a fit of giggles.

"This is more funnier: I don't like him anymore, wooooh! I haven't for, like," more laughing, "Ever! By the time forehead-girl fell in love with him I was already done." Ino's face softened out of its humorous smile as she turned to her friend, "You really do love him, don't you, you stupid girl…"

Sakura laughed loudly, "Nope!" eyes widened and jaws dropped. Sasuke attempted to ignore the stinging in his chest as she spoke, "I'm not supposededed to tell you why, though, so ssssshhhhhhh!" she brought a finger up to her lips as her voice slurred out the sound, "Emotions are really illusions!"

"…What?" Asuma turned his head to gaze at the young girl over his comrade's shoulder incredulously.

"I discovovereded it while researching chakra flows in the body. Ya know how you have nerves all throughout your body, right?"

"Uh-huh…" Kakashi nodded to his student, only somewhat listening to what he assumed were her drunken ramblings. The boys ahead of him listened intently in silence, a surprising feat for especially Naruto.

"Well, as it turns out, they get stimmimmulated and send electromagniininineftic-… electimagnferic-… electo-"

"Electromagnetic?" offered Asuma.

She giggled, nodding enthusiastically, "Yeah that. It sends those impulses to your brain to tell you how you feel.**(1)** That's it! Isn't that funny?" she laughed a bit more, "But ssssssshhhhhhhhh! Don't tell Sasuke, wouldn'int let me live it down."

Kakashi shifted uncomfortably and turned to the younger boys, "Why don't you four go home."

"But what about the Ino/Sakura?" they all inquired at the same time.

"Hn." Sasuke turned away immediately afterwards in an attempt to save face and feign disinterest, "She'll get into trouble if we leave her out here. She's too weak to take care of herself like this."

"We'll take the girls home, you boys just get going." They opened their mouths to protest, "_Now_." That was the end of the argument. As the boys disappeared, the girls were carrying on some semblance of a conversation with each other. Asuma turned to his friend.

"Well, where should we take them? I can't take Ino home; her parents can't see her like this. Inoichi will have my head."

Kakashi nodded in understanding, "We'll take them to Sakura's." On that note, he led the other teacher in a chakra-induced run toward his student's home. The lock on her door was easily taken care of, yet undamaged, and they stepped into the entrance. After about a minute of exploring, the door to the kunoichi's room was thrown open and the two Jounin stepped in.

By now the girls were no longer the giggly messes previously witnessed. No, now they were depressed, flitting in and out of consciousness as they moaned sickly. Sighing, the two men knew what they had to do. They couldn't leave their surrogate daughters lying intoxicated and uncared-for upon a bed, as they were now. Walking to her dresser, Kakashi rooted through Sakura's clothes. Coming across her undergarments, he paused to shift uncomfortably and decided that the two could go a night without them. Finally, he found some useful material: a pair of light tee-shirts and two pairs of shorts (that seemed unusually tiny to him, but he brushed it off. Beggars can't be choosers.) During some point of their near unconsciousness, the girls had started to cry lightly. The sight tore them up inside.

"Geez they're emotional drunks." Commented Asuma.

Each grasping one set of clothes, the two set upon the uncomfortable task of undressing their students. Shoes already gone, first came Ino's shirt and Sakura's dress, then Ino's skirt and Sakura's shorts. It left them in underwear and bandages used for either decoration or breast confining. The men were tempted to leave them, slip the fresh clothes on, and be done with it, but they knew that it was a bad, highly unsanitary idea. Looking only at the bandages and avoiding the sight of any skin, they unwrapped the girls and through the white clothe aside. Gazing away from their charges, the two shakily slipped of the rest, with minimal help from the girls. Still watching anything but the girls, they roughly pulled on the new material and looked down at their handy work. Ino and Sakura were in hot shorts and tee shirts just baggy enough so their stomachs wouldn't be visible.

"That," Kakashi breathed out, "was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done."

Asuma nodded, "Agreed." Reaching down they picked up the incapacitated girls and slipped them under the covers to sleep.

"Now what? We can't brush their teeth or wash them up without drowning them, and we can't just leave them hear alone." Inquired the copy ninja.

The other shrugged, "I guess we'll just have to stay with them until morning, tell them what painkillers to take for the hangover, and then we can leave them to be miserable for the day." He sighed, "I guess this means we'll be canceling their training."

"I guess." With a yawn, they kicked off their shoes and hoped onto the bed, over the covers. Taking note of the shivering girls, they laid an arm over their own student hesitantly. The girls burrowed into their chests for more warmth as their teachers held them even more tightly.

Two final, semi-sober words left their lips before they drifted off to sleep: "Arigatou, sensei."

Kakashi and Asuma allowed two light smiles to slide across their mouths as they too dozed off.

**The End**

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**(1)** No, I do not know if this is true. It's something like that, but I didn't go researching it so don't review like "That electromagnetic thing was bullshit! Your nerves send ATP resulting from Ultra-violet Radiation on their ribosomes through your bloodstream to make emotions!" (Yes, I _am_ aware that what I just typed makes absolutely no sense) I only know that it's something similar to that, I read it in something like 'Scientific American' (which I also do not own). Anyway, the point is don't take this seriously.

RS: Again, nothing's different than what came out the first time I typed it and I'm afraid to read, so don't be harsh. Please. Sorry if I wasted your time!


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